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An Adult Too Soon – A Son’s Story

by DC 

The journey that family members go through when there is a loved one with a mental health concern is unique and personal to the individual but it also has a quality that is universal, that binds everyone with that particular experience to each other.

In my journey, there have been many moments where I have felt alone and isolated. It was this belief that my experiences were atypical and in some ways shameful that caused me to retreat inwards, often minimizing and denying the impact of what I was experiencing on my sense of self. This led to a sense of secrecy and became a barrier to accessing the support I needed in my life to heal myself.

I took on a parent role when my father was not able to fulfill that role, thus I became the breadwinner, confidante, caretaker, provider, etc. It seemed that I became a surrogate father to my younger brother, caregiver for my father, and support system for my mother. In a way I denied my own childhood and youth.

I’ve always felt that I became an adult too soon and once one has walked through the door of adulthood, it is hard to see the world in any other way.

The pressures of the adult world came crashing down on a young man who was still figuring out who he was and how he fit into the world.

The best way to cope with the tremendous and overwhelming wave of uncertainty was to move forward in any way possible. I would internalize the worries and fears that my family was experiencing and often blame myself for the state of the family unit. My cultural influences dictated that the sole responsibility of the family’s well-being rested on the shoulders on the first born, if and when the father of the household was no longer able to provide for the family. I took on this role with voracity and it became my identity.

Once my father’s condition stabilized, through treatment, medication, and numerous appointments with mental health professionals, a wave of uneasy relief washed over the family. Was this too good to be true? Will he become unwell again? Will we be able to make it through this as a family?

There have been times where my father has been unwell again but a sense of resiliency and empowerment rose within the family when we made it through each situation as a family. Each of these moments were punctuated with pinholes of light that came through the darkness, growing bigger and bigger as we became closer and stronger as a family.

When there is a loved one with a mental health concern, there are good days and bad days, but most of the days are a combination of the two. It is about seeing the light within the darkness, the successes within what we consider failures, and to recognize the inner strength that lies within us that allows us to heal and to heal others.

Now as an art therapist who works in the field of mental health with children, youth, and families, I can see that the stigma surrounding mental illness has detrimental effects on the well-being of those affected by this issue and is a significant barrier to families/individuals accessing services to support them.

For children and youth, who often don’t have accurate information around mental illness, I see that they can often blame themselves for the loved one’s mental illness. This can cause them to internalize feelings of sadness, worry, anger, and other difficult feelings.

It is crucial for these children/youth to express and externalize their feelings and to be provided with accurate information around mental illness to alleviate any guilt, shame, responsibility, etc. that they may be experiencing.

As well, the knowledge that other children, youth, and families are experiencing similar situations is empowering and decreases the sense of alienation, isolation, and fear that they may be experiencing.
It is through conversation that the seeds of change are nurtured and allowed to blossom.

By removing the shroud of secrecy and shame that surrounds the issue of mental illness, it will allow families and individuals to begin to heal and see that there is hope. Hope allows for shifts to occur in the lives of those affected by mental illness and enables them to see the light – within the darkness.

DC Toronto

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